Time goes by..................so slowly

I haven't posted much lately, to be honest I haven't been doing anything with Wolfie over the last month. My mum sadly passed away Saturday 10th April and her funeral was yesterday. I suppose I have been fortunate in life that I have never really experienced losing anyone very close to me until now and I have never experienced the pain of true grief, until now.

Normally, I have always found solice in horses. If I am angry or upset, horses have always been where I will turn. Even the smell of the yard and the muck heap is calming, but not this time. I have been going to the stables and mucking the boys out, filling haynets and water buckets because I can do that like a robot. But I feel like something is gone, my heart has just not been in spending any time with them and certainly not riding. I feel that I am carrying a great weight that is so heavy it is sometimes even difficult to walk. That weight is too heavy to burden a young horse with. It has been panicking me that I feel like this. Wolfie senses there is something wrong, he is confused. I am there, but I am not there. His behaviour has been somewhat erratic. He was extremely naughty being shod last week, worse than he has ever been. He has been hauling his rugs down and destroyed one (my fault really as I should have remembered to move them) and he has been undoing the bolts on his stable door and escaping during the night.

Things got to the point last week where I thought for the first time ever that maybe I should sell him. He is a talented horse with alot of potential and I thought he was being wasted with me as I have not worked him consistently since the start of the year. Wolfie is a very sensitive, complex horse. I think that very few people actually know the real Wolfie. On the surface he is full of bravado, he's friendly, cheeky and somewhat arrogant. But there are very few people that have his true trust and respect. After all out time together I am still trying to work out his intrinsic mind. I often think of him as the horse equivalent of the rainman.

But after everything we have been through together in the last 3 years our bond is very strong. Maybe I am not giving him enough credit and he will help share or ease my burden along with time.

I am disappointed that we are not where I expected to be at this time ridden wise, due to various injuries and my mum. I had expectations of getting to some shows, doing some le trec and maybe a dressage test. However, although these goals have not changed, the goal posts have moved. I will get back on and ride Wolfie. We will hack for as long as it takes, to get fitter and happier. We will not worry about outlines and schooling. We will eventually go for a hack with our very good friends H and J and we will canter, the sort of canter where the horses start to get faster and race, your body feels like jelly because you're laughing and adrenalin. You can't really stop and only do when the horses tire or you reach the end of the track. Wolfie being Wolfie will then stick his head between his knees and buck. When we are ready we will school. We will begin jumping. I am going to work very hard to try and get my trailer licence to try and give us some independence. There's a lovely country park about ten minutes drive away that has miles of bridle paths and some cross country fences. We might even take a trip to the beach.

As many people have told me, this will get easier, I really hope so. It will take time, and I have Wolfie and crazy Buttons to help me along the way.